Stop Debating Names. Start Scoring Against Criteria.
Automate This Scoring System
Love the rubric above but don't want to score by hand?
Our free app does it for you:
- Import your spreadsheet or add guests manually
- Both partners score from their phones
- Combined scores calculated instantly
- Drag a slider to set your cutoff number
See exactly who makes the cut in minutes, not hours.
"Who should we invite?" It's the same argument every night. You want to include your college roommate; your partner barely remembers meeting her. Your partner's work friends feel essential to them and like strangers to you.
The problem isn't the names. It's that you're debating without a framework. The solution: Score every guest against the same criteria. Then debate only the borderline cases.
Why a Scoring Method Works
It Removes Emotion from Individual Names
Instead of "Should we invite Mike?", ask "Does Mike score above our cutoff?"
When you're discussing criteria rather than people, the conversation changes. It's not "I don't like your friend Mike"—it's "Our rule is that guests need a score of 7 or higher, and Mike scored 5."
It Helps Partners Align
Both partners score independently. Then you compare.
If you both gave someone an 8, they're obviously in. If you both gave someone a 3, they're obviously out. You only need to discuss cases where your scores differ significantly.
It Creates a Clear Cutoff
Once everyone is scored, sort by combined score. Draw a line at your venue capacity. Everyone above is invited. Everyone below is not.
The 10-Point Scoring Rubric
Score each guest in five categories, 0-2 points each. Maximum score is 10.
Category 1: Relationship Closeness (0-2 points)
- 2 points: Close friend or family you talk to at least monthly
- 1 point: Friend you see a few times a year
- 0 points: Acquaintance, or haven't talked in 12+ months
Category 2: Future Relationship (0-2 points)
- 2 points: Confident they'll be in your life in 10 years
- 1 point: Probably will stay in touch
- 0 points: Relationship is already fading
Category 3: Shared History (0-2 points)
- 2 points: Been there for major life moments (graduations, moves, losses)
- 1 point: Some meaningful shared memories
- 0 points: Minimal shared history
Category 4: Reciprocity (0-2 points)
- 2 points: Would definitely invite you to their wedding
- 1 point: Might invite you
- 0 points: Probably wouldn't invite you
Category 5: The Dinner Test (0-2 points)
- 2 points: Would happily grab dinner with them 1:1
- 1 point: Would meet them in a group setting
- 0 points: Wouldn't make plans with them
How to Use the Rubric
Step 1: Each Partner Scores Independently
Don't discuss scores until both are done. Independent scoring ensures honest answers.
Step 2: Calculate Combined Scores
Average both partners' scores for each guest.
Example: You gave 8, partner gave 6 → combined score is 7.
Step 3: Sort by Score and Set the Cutoff
Your venue holds 100? Draw the line after the 100th person. Everyone above gets invited.
Step 4: Discuss Only the Borderline Cases
Focus on:
- Guests within 1 point of the cutoff line
- Guests where your scores differ by 3+ points
Tie-Breakers for Close Calls
When two guests have the same score:
- Family over friends — Defensible rule
- Who would be more hurt? — Minimize drama
- Who's traveling farther? — Reward the effort
- Balance the room — If one side is underrepresented
Scripts for Family Pressure
"You have to invite [relative]!"
"We've scored every guest by the same criteria. Uncle Bob scored below our cutoff, like 30 other people we care about. We have to be consistent."
"But they invited you to their wedding!"
"We appreciate that. But our venue only holds 100, and we have 150 people who scored higher. It's not personal—it's math."
"I'm paying, so I get to add people."
"We're so grateful for your help. We've allocated 20 spots for your guests. You can choose anyone for those 20—we just can't exceed our venue limit."
Examples by Wedding Size
Micro-Wedding (30 guests)
Only 10s and 9s make the cut:
- Immediate family + best friends + wedding party
- No plus-ones for single guests
- No work friends
Medium Wedding (100 guests)
7+ scores make the cut:
- All close family + most friends
- Plus-ones for committed relationships only
- Maybe 2-3 close work friends
Large Wedding (200 guests)
5+ scores make the cut:
- Extended family included
- Plus-ones for all adults
- Work friends, neighbors, parents' friends
What If We Still Disagree?
Big Score Discrepancies
You gave 9, partner gave 3. That's a 6-point gap. Talk about it.
Big discrepancies usually mean:
- One partner knows something the other doesn't
- One partner has a conflict they haven't voiced
- There's a misunderstanding about who this person is
The Compromise Zone
Agree upfront: guests with less than a 2-point discrepancy just use the average, no discussion needed. Only debate guests with 3+ point gaps.
This rubric works—but it's tedious by hand. Scoring 150 guests on paper takes hours. Our app lets both partners score from their phones, calculates combined scores automatically, and shows you exactly where the cutoff line falls.
Related Resources
- Who to Invite to Your Wedding — The main guide to guest list decisions
- How to Determine Who to Invite — Etiquette guide for edge cases
- Wedding Guest List Template — Free spreadsheet template